Being an anxious person, I am always looking to find relaxation. High stimulation overload. It’s how I built my relationship with this world.
When I first met Master Zhang he wanted me to train Kung Fu hard. All I wanted to do was relax with QiGong. I resisted at first. He explained to me in great detail why I should be training hard in my twenties. A story I’ve told many times. But for now, it’s enough to say, he told me I could relax when I am dead! Haha!!
More than a decade later and I am still anxious. Maybe it’s bad. Maybe it’s good. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Regardless I’m still looking to relax. It’s all I wanna do.
I don’t train physically as hard as I used to, true story. But relative to this time in my life, I’m still going hard. Family, business, training – still not going the easy route. It’s all a challenge, and a good challenge I willingly embrace.
Over the years I’ve developed an awkward guilt for being anxious. Steeped in shame, this guilt has haunted me since childhood. Not appearing anxious has become its own anxiety. Crazy how shit twists and turns with time.
But I had a thought the other day…
Maybe it’s ok to be anxious.
Maybe I can rest easy knowing that when I die, I can get all the rest I need.
Point is, I am being asked to do the work. For my family, for my people, for all of us. Placing myself in uncomfortable positions day in and day out, has its repercussions. It’s puts me a bit on edge. Going the comfortable route, for me, is the devil in disguise. So here is my thought in more detail…
I’m pushing myself to do better. And at times it’s uncomfortable as shit. On my death bed, I won’t remember the anxiety. That won’t matter. I’ll only remember and give value to fighting the good fight. Being anxious about life challenges big or small is a reality most of us can relate too. Working at not being anxious is perhaps not the point. Many of us are being asked to rise. In doing so we must embrace the discomfort that ‘stepping up’ entails.
North America 2019. Anxiety is widespread. The way I see it, energy requires freedom. Anxiety is an energy, that takes on many shapes and textures. Some negative. Some positive. For each of us, this has to be interpreted personally.
For me, perspective gave me freedom. And with perspective, my impurity’s didn’t seem so important anymore.